Alcatraz 4 Chapter Six Whew! Those were some boring chapters, weren’t they? I know you really didn’t want to hear—in intricate detail—about the workings of the Nalhallan sewer systems. Nor did you care to get a scholarly explanation of the original Nalhallan alphabet and how the letters are based on logographic representations of ancient Cabafloo. And, of…

Alcatraz 4 Chapter Two So there I was, holding a pink teddy bear in my hand. It had a red bow and an inviting, cute, bearlike smile. Also, it was ticking. “Now what?” I asked. “Now you throw it, idiot!” Bastille said urgently. I frowned, then tossed the bear to the side, through the open…

Alcatraz 4 Author’s Foreword I am an idiot. You should know this already, if you’ve read the previous three volumes of my autobiography. If, by chance, you haven’t read them, then don’t worry. You’ll get the idea. After all, nothing in this book will make any kind of sense to you. You’ll be confused at the difference…

Alcatraz 3 Chapter Two I hate explosions. Not only are they generally bad for one’s health, but they’re just so demanding. Whenever one comes along, you have to pay attention to it instead of whatever else you were doing. In fact, explosions are suspiciously like baby sisters in that regard. Fortunately, I’m not going to…

Alcatraz 3 Chapter One So, there I was, hanging upside down underneath a gigantic glass bird, speeding along at a hundred miles an hour above the ocean, in no danger whatsoever. That’s right. I wasn’t in any danger. I was more safe at that moment than I’d ever been in my entire life, despite a…

Alcatraz 3 Author’s Foreword I am awesome. No, really. I’m the most amazing person you’ve ever read about. Or that you ever will read about. There’s nobody like me out there. I’m Alcatraz Smedry, the unbelievably incredible. If you’ve read the previous two volumes of my autobiography (and I hope that you have, for if you haven’t,…

Alcatraz 2 Chapter Two This is the second book of the series. Those of you who have read the first book can skip this introduction and move on. The rest of you, stay put. I’d like to congratulate you on finding this book. I’m glad you’re reading a serious work about real world politics, rather…

Alcatraz 2 Chapter One So, there I was, slumped in my chair, waiting in a drab airport terminal, munching absently on a bag of stale potato chips. Not the beginning you expected, is it? You likely thought that I would start this book with something exciting. A scene involving evil Librarians, perhaps—something with altars, Alivened,…

Alcatraz 2 Author’s Foreword I am a liar. I realize that you may not believe this. In fact, hope that you don’t. Not only would that make the statement particularly ironic, but it means you have very far to fall. You see, I know that you Free Kingdomers have heard stories about me. Perhaps you’ve…